The Crux of Anger

Today I was faced with myself, a daunting image. An image that I cover with distractions and false hopes. It's a bit overwhelming to notice who you are, to exist beyond the rose colored glasses and be present in your red and blue 3D glasses. This image pops and reaches out to you and it's terrifying. This isn’t the first time that anger has obscured my view and it won’t be the last, but when you clear this view you not only see your reflection in the lake water, you get to see the trails and the mountains beyond. Sometimes it isn’t yourself that reveals the view, sometimes it's a close friend who wants you to join them in the sun. I was questioned in my misogyny today and this anger sprang forth immediately. No matter how many gender studies books I read or entries I write for this blog, my conditioning as a man will arrive. Because I’m not only taught that anger is justified, I was given role models who displayed this anger. My grandfathers both using violence and anger to silence their children, passed on to my father in expressing anger as fast as a pin drop. This was all taught and encouraged in my household and the households that they grew up in. So when I get questioned by a woman I care about to reexamine my misogyny I react in this anger. This need to be right, to crave it. To utilize the tool of the oppressor, fear and silence. But she brought me into the sun and mentioned it again and I had to pause and really think about what she was saying. And she was right, I was trying to ignore her side and only listen to my own. Because I wanted to win, to feel like I had power. But to ignore the voice is archaic, the script of the past me. I will remind myself not to fall to the crux of anger, to reveal both sides, and accept that space is the revealer of all truths.