Feeling Safe in A Man’s Body

I have never felt safe in a man's body. It's a comfort that I had to learn through time but it was never something that was inherently peaceful. I had learned from a young age that the men on the news and the people who shot up schools were my gender. My maleness made me a weapon that should be feared and not understood. That is why I am taking a second look at what didn’t sit right with my date tonight. I went on a first date with this amazing woman, but from the beginning something was off. It seems as if I was being observed rather than talked with, like I was a subject of a dating study. I led most of the conversation and when I couldn’t think of things to say there was silence that existed like mounds of dirt between us. She revealed that she’s been in other emotionally abusive relationships and she feels like when she’s going on dates all she’s looking for is red flags. And out of everything we talked about tonight, that was the first time I actually saw her and understood. I have been there before, and that feeling still exists to this day when finding friends. I look for red flags, particularly in men, to make sure that I am safe. That these people that I chose to hang out with can grant me the feeling of peace when I’m around them. That is why I say that I never feel safe in a man’s body, not because I believe I was born into the wrong gender, but because of how us men make women feel constantly vigilant. That they didn’t make the wrong decision to trust you and love you. That this date didn’t go poorly because of lack of connection, (even though this might be a tiny bit true), but because I couldn’t prove that I was safe to be around. And to be honest that might have nothing to do with me, but the conditioning of past relations. But one thing for certain, men have to prove they are not the monsters some of them can be. We have to prove that not all men have this inkling towards harm, that most of us have a deep desire to provide women with a respectful space to live. That this rejection of trust has nothing to do with me as an individual, but the society we’ve grown into. I leave this date learning more about myself in the process and what I can do next time to hopefully create safety in conversation.