The Chokehold of Competition

I went bowling last night with a friend that I’ve seen grow into a wonderful young man. I met him when I was first getting clean and we got sober together. He used to show signs of a man in gender turmoil, mostly pertaining to his words against women rather than for them. From when I met him to now, he has done a complete 180. I now don’t fear what he’ll say around others but fear what he won’t say. All this being said, I kicked his ass in bowling yesterday. And while I felt a jolt of pride in my games, I was cautious with my celebration. Men, as a gender, have a hard time losing to others. It's our drive to be dominant that sickens the joy in play. When you take a step back and observe male connection to childlike aspects of play, we see that most of the activities men choose are either rooted in focus and competition or complete silence. For example with video games, that can be a particularly isolating space, connection to others is usually entrenched in besting the other and embarrassment. If you cannot win a mission together you are seen as the lessor. In sports it's even more evident with a team losing being tied to your mental health and boasting about your team's relevance and prowess as a sign of moral superiority. The line between healthy competition and full dominance is fading into the background. This is why when I was winning at bowling I wasn’t proud of myself, I was anxious on how another man would react to losing. I countered his frustration with praise when he got a spare or a strike but it's the fear that made me write this post. Fear that the male ego can only take so much till it cracks. How we must tiptoe around men for being right or winning a game or two. That this problem won't go away until we change the narrative on what competition really looks like and how it has been incredibly gendered. But for now, I will continue to kick ass out on the lanes.